#27 Realized

To be honest, I have no excuse for my ridiculously long hiatus. Simply, I haven't been inspired by much of anything lately. I've never been particularly good at coming up with something at will. Everything I write is raw. It just kind of comes to me in the spur of the moment, and I run with it. There is no premeditation. If there was, I would probably go out and do the thing I would write about instead of deeming it a "thing I should've done." But recently, I realized that that's kind of how life works. You can plan all you want to, but things probably won't turn out how you want. Life is a series of real, raw moments that make you who you are, and you can't just come up with who you are in the blink of an eye.

I think part of my lack of inspiration has to do with the fact that my mind is completely taken over by thoughts of college. For the past year of my life, my impending departure to college has been an ever-present topic, and it's something that I have insane mixed emotions about. One minute I can't wait to live in a city where I can do whatever I want, and the next I'm freaking out about the change ahead and want nothing more than to freeze time and pretend like it's never going to happen. I won't lie, most of my feelings about going away are negative ones. I've never been a big fan of change, and I know this one is going to be one of the biggest changes I'll ever go through. I like routine, and I know leaving and creating a new routine will rock me to my core. More than anything, I'm scared. Absolutely scared out of my mind. I'm scared that I won't do well. I'm scared of being away from my home. I'm scared of being away from my friends, my family, and even my dog. I'm scared that I won't like it. I'm scared of letting go of the things I know. I'm just scared of college, and all I want to do is lay in my bed at home forever. But I'm not at all ashamed of my fear. I know a lot of people going through the post-high school/pre-college phase are beyond excited to go away - I'm just not one of them. I've accepted the fact that college will probably scare me until even after I start class in August. I know there's no use in pretending that I'm not a huge scaredy-cat. I've realized that it's a part of who I am, and there's no denying that.

I realize that this hasn't exactly been the most uplifting post, but I think I needed to do it for me. I guess I just needed to admit to myself that I am scared of what's ahead, and that it's okay to be that way. I suppose this moment of self-discovery was one of those raw moments that I was talking about earlier. This post was not at all pre-meditated or planned - it is the mere product of a moment of panic. I was finally inspired again. It may have taken awhile, but it happened. And I guess that's life.